Finally

Well I have not had much time this last week to post.  Then this morning I got on the dreaded scale... I  still don't have a lot of time but was so excited that I had to share.

I have been retaining water for a little over a week.  It is so frustrating to get on the scale and not see any movement.  I know that I am losing something since my clothes are starting fit a little different.  Finally today I saw movment.  Today I finally broke the 300lb mark.  This is the first time I have been below 300 in four years.  Maybe longer... I think the last time was before I got pregnant with Sofia.  Today I weighed in at 299... Thats a total of 13 pounds down so far. 

It has been a long journey to get to the place I am today.  Determined, focused and dedicated.  I have been working for three weeks now and here I am 13 pounds lighter. I am no where near the end of my journey but I am well on my way. 

Living off the Grid

Living off the grid... Not being dependent on commercial power, water, sewer, food.  This is an idea I have toyed with for years.  And up until recently it was just a pipe dream.  Wind and Solar power were so expensive to get started that it would take decades to break even.  But in these "Green" days those power sources are much more readily available and affordable.  Maybe now is the time to see how feasible it is for our family.

We have enough land that we could raise chickens and goats pretty easy.  Though not enough land to raise any cows.  But chickens and goats would take care of eggs, milk and cheese.  We can even raise some chickens for eating.  We have a small garden now but will be doubling it next year and maybe even tripling it.  I can raise all the veggies that we will need through the year.  If I build a coldframe we can have greens a majority of the year.  I would need to plant some fruit trees to give me the fruit we would need for the year.  We are already on a well and septic.

I have spent years upon years canning and freezing fruits and veggies.  I have even canned on a wood burning stove.  I already have a HUGE stockpile of canning jars and two canners.  We also own a commercial dehydrator and a smoker so dried and cured things would be no problem.  I have a ton of storage for all the canned foods.

So you may be asking yourself "Why would anyone be considering this?".  Well that answer is very complex and has many facets.

 First and foremost, I believe that our society has become too dependent on commercial products.  This has become very evident in the last few years with the substantial rise in disease in our country.  I have already started removing as many processed foods I can.  I have started making most things from scratch again so that I can control what goes in to my families food.  I can grow just about everything that we eat.

Second I believe that this dependence has weakened this country to near the breaking point.  If we don't start taking back our independence we will not survive this recession (nearing depression).  Modern convenience has giving rise to a society that does not know what to do when they can't go buy what they want or need.

Third,  Greed has taken over this country.  Nuf said...

I still have some dilemmas to resolve.  Cell phones, internet, Satellite TV...

While we won't be off the grid tomorrow... We are taking small steps to move toward being independent of the commercialization of this Great Country!

The journey continues...

The Restaurant Trip

Last night was our first venture out to eat.  It is always a challenge to eat out when you are working on healthy eating.  With the need to go grocery shopping looming we ventured out last night and decided that we would eat something before we went.  It took a while to decide where would have the best options.  We finally decided on a restaurant and off we went.  We had eating at this restaurant before and knew they had an awesome salad bar.  Score!

We we arrived we were not disappointed at all... The salad bar was full of leafy greens, robust veggies and other yummy healthy stuff.  We sat down and started perusing the menu.  We had hit the jackpot.  Lots of healthy choices for us.  They had FIVE different veggie sides for your entree.  Also the meals were not pre-planned... You got to choose your own sides.  I picked a yummy top sirloin steak and Hubby picked a yummy chicken.  I had grilled green beans and grilled asparagus.  YUM!  Hubby had steamed broccoli and grilled green beans.  Did I mention that they had FANTASTIC kids meal choices as well. Sofia had grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and apples with a side of fries.

We both ordered the salad bar to go along with our meal.  Great choice.  I had a huge salad with lettuce, spinach, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, zucchini, broccoli and topped with a little parmesan cheese and some dressing.  It was very filling, I only managed to eat half my steak and veggies.

The best part was when went grocery shopping we were not hungry and were able to get only what we needed.  It was a successful outing!

The journey continues...

Week 1

Wow a week went by uber fast.  It was surprisingly easy to stay on plan this week. Thanks in huge part to my wonderful hubby who made my lunch for me this week.  I would not have survived if he had not.  Thanks Babe, Love you!.. But I digress...

This week I ate lean meats, lots of leafy greens, red ripe tomatoes, cool cucumbers, and many other veggies.  I drank copious amounts of water.  I feel great and have tons of energy.  (I am talking energizer bunny here.. I keep going and going and going...)When I go on the scale yesterday I had managed to let go of 6 lbs.  Bringing me down to 301.  That is great.  The best part is I do not feel deprived. I have zero cravings for anything (except coffee but that is more of a  comfort for me then a craving).  I actually feel like I can do this forever.

Every night I sit and reflect on the days activities.  I have found that I am calmer and can think clearer.  The stress of work is not throwing me into an eating tizzy.  This week I will be working toward figuring out ways to eat when I am in situations that don't present health choices.  The end of next will be my test. Oh yea and the fair tomorrow... We shall see.

The journey continues.....

Purging

Today I set out to purge and organize my "craft" closet.  I have opened the door and closed it many times in the last few weeks, not knowing really where to start going through crap.  I really have not had the energy to face the crap closet.  Today seemed different.  Despite having little sleep last night I feel like the energizer bunny.

This journey is about lighting my load.  The load I carry on my body, The load I carry on my mind, and The load I carry around me.  It seems fitting that I start with the craft closet.  It is one of those forgotten places of late (at least the last three years).  I mean who has time to do crafts with work, house work, and a toddler.  It is something I miss terribly but with everything in disarray I can't get in and get anything done in the short amount of time that I have.  The time has come to purge the stuff that is broken, not needed, dried up and even ripped.

We trekked off to Home Depot and bought copious amounts of organizing containers.  And home I marched.  I opened the door and sighed.  Where to begin... Well I pulled in a large garbage can and just started tossing the things I could see that were broken or ripped.  It is funny, once I got started I got into this Zen like place.  It all seemed ok and easy.  I felt like a gazelle gliding through the meadow as I plowed through the piles and mounds of crap in the closet.  I felt focused and determined to not put any crap back in the closet that I did not need.  It was an amazing feeling, one I hope to feel as I continue my journey to lighten the load of my body.

As I finished making labels for all the neatly stacked plastic containers, I stood back and looked with sheer joy at the beautiful sight of the organized closet.  I could breathe again.  I stood there for a moment and imagined that day I look in the mirror and see that I have reached my goal weight.  I imagine that I will feel the same since of ease.  That I will be able to breathe freely with out the burden of carrying so much weight around.  In that moment I saw myself with the body I want.

In a box today I found a letter I had written to my husband many years ago while I was away.  It reminded me of how precious our life is.  We have been through so much in our years together and here we stand strong.  I now have started a new journey and he has willing joined me on the path.  We will keep taking steps in the direction of our dreams and we will get there together.  Wish his love and support I have survived some of the toughest times.

The journey continues...

What is Hunger? Really

I am not sure I have ever felt true hunger... At least in the food department.  I am not sure that I have ever allowed myself to be truly hungry.  How does one recognize hunger?  I am not sure I know.  For years I have been slaved to the clock for meals.  Breakfast by 8, Lunch by Noon and Dinner by 6.  A snack here and there when I felt the need for it.  A need is rarely hunger, more often it is cause of stress, sadness, happiness, or maybe sleep depravation.

As I have looked back over the last 41 years I can not think of a time that I have "felt" hunger.  I know I have said I am hungry many times but as I think about it the always has come from my head never my stomach... Somedays I go hours with out eating only to get light in the head and feel like I am going to pass out.  Is that hunger?

As part of my journey I have been learning to be mindful when I eat.  I have been trying to listen to my body when it tells me it needs food (before the passing out part).  It has been very difficult to determine if I am really hungry because my body needs nourishment or because my head says it is time to eat.  I wonder if my stomach should be grumbly.  Am I just thirsty?  I have not listened to my bodies needs for so long I wonder if it has stopped speaking to me about it.

As I sit here to night on the eve of m y 4th day of my journey I am very mindful of how my body feels at this moment.  Content.  I have a plethora of energy.  I have no cravings (except for my coffee goodness, which by the way, I have had to have a cup or two to manage the severe headaches).  Even though I can sit here now and be mindful I have struggled today with hunger.  Although I did not eat by the clock today (a huge step)  I did find myself reaching a point where I was wanting to snack.  Is this hunger?  Those are dangerous times for me because I will graze till the cows come home (no pun intended here).

This morning I was getting Sofia here morning bowl of dry cherrios and I caught myself putting some in mouth.  Not being mindful.  Later I was making her lunch and I caught myself testing her baked potatoes.  not being mindful.  Putting food in my mouth is so automatic that I am sure I have not known half the stuff I have eaten.  I was not hungry when I mindlessly put those things in my mouth.

I will continue my journey ... I will walk the path toward being mindful about food.  I will continue to seek the feeling of true hunger.

Back to work

Well yesterday was my first day back to work since I began my journey.  Work is always tough for me because I never seem to have time to eat.  Yesterday I had to make a conscious effort to remember to eat.  It is interesting how much better I feel when I eat at work.  I don't come home and ravage the refrigerator.  I am able to stay more focused.

The second challenge I have with work is making my lunch before I go to work.  I have to find a way to make it easy to take a lunch everyday.  I like having it already made and ready to go cause mornings come very early.  I used to keep food in my little refrigerator at work so I always have something to eat.  As of late that has not been working to well for me.  The food usually goes bad before I can eat it.  I think the best bet is to get lunch ready before I go to bed the night before.

But what about breakfast.  Sleep is a precious commodity around this house these days and sometimes hard to come by.  So I eek out every minute I can.  Some mornings (ok almost every) I forgo breakfast to sleep a few more minutes.  I have never been a huge breakfast person anyway so it is really easy for me to give it up.  Something I can make and take on the road is the best I think.  It has to be quick and easy, 5 minutes or less.  I will have to work on that the next two days before I go back to work to find something that fits the bill.

Overall I think work went well and I feel so much better already.

Carmel Brown Warm Goodness

Ahh Coffee how I miss you.  It has only been three days but I miss you so.  Your inviting smell, warm touch, carmel brown color, and fantastic friendship.  My days with out you have been filled with headaches and sleepiness.   To sip in your goodness would sooth my inner being.  I miss your exquisite taste in the morning.  I miss your companionship in the morning as I read the news.  I miss you after dinner as I am relaxing on the couch.

I wish that I could have just one cup of you and be satisfied but it never works out that way.  You call to me when I walk into the kitchen or drive by Starbucks.  Sorry coffee but sadly we have to part ways.

Mmmmmmm Good!

The journey so far has been interesting.  I have been rediscovering foods that I have not eaten in long while.  A lot of fresh fruit and vegetables have been added to my diet. This salad was lunch today.  Full of yummy fresh greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, red cabbage, and spinach.  Topped with grilled chicken, a half of avocado and a sprinkle of cheddar cheese.  All dressed with a yummy lemon-garlic-olive oil dressing.  So filling and yummy.

So then I wonder why I find myself wandering to the kitchen and standing there with the refrigerator door open.  I am not hungry, not even having a craving for anything... But there I am standing with the door open.

As I pause for a moment I ask myself what I am doing.  Why are you looking for food? I am not bored, unhappy or upset.  Is it a conditioned "unconscious" action???  I use the term unconscious because I was not consciously seeking food.  How often have I done this in the past and actually taken something out and eaten even though I was not hungry?  I am sure this is not the first time... I ask "What do you do to stop this unconscious behavior?"

I guess recognizing it is the first step.  So does that mean I will always catch myself before I eat something with out thinking about it?  I don't know.  One of the hardest things for me is going to be recognizing when I am truly hungry.  I think that before I eat anything for a while I will have to evaluate how I am feeling and what I am thinking.  Part of this journey is to learn to be present when I am eating and drinking.  To conscious of what and how much I am putting in my mouth.

As my head clears these next few weeks I am sure there will be more of these Ah Ha moments.  Things that I have not thought of or realized before.  I have kept food journals for months now,  however I have failed to stop and take stock of when, what or how I was eating.   This is a big step in the right direction.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... Well I am on my way!

The Beginning

As I sit here writing this I am starting a new chapter in my life.  A chapter in a book that I have tried to write many many times before.  Unlike other times I have started to write this chapter I have finally reached the point where it is no longer a should but a MUST.  I realized about a week ago how horrible I feel all the time. Run down and no energy.  I spent some time and took a good long look in the mirror and really did not like what I saw.  


As I studied myself in the mirror and really looked at how fat I had become I wondered if that is what others see when they look at me.  I have decided that I can not live like this any longer.  So here is the beginning of the rest of my life.  It reminds of one of my favorite songs... Unwritten "Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open, To the years where your book begins, The rest is still unwritten"  The rest of my life is unwritten and I intend to live a LONG and HEALTHY life.  


So in effort to be full on real I will be laying out my progress here.  But in order to have progress you have to have a starting point.  My starting point is today and I currently weigh 307 pounds.  My goal is to weigh 150 pounds when I am all done.  More over I want to be able to run with Sofia.  I want to be able to jump.  I want to be able to get down on the ground and be able to get back up easily.  I want to be able to go hiking.  I want to be able to ride the rides at Disneyland with her.  I want to live to see her graduate, get married, have kids and be happy!


There are many many things I have to work on but one of the biggest things I have to do is be honest and accountable to myself.  I will post weekly my new weight up or down.  As embarrassed and humiliated as I am by how much I weigh now, I am equally determined to successfully live my life healthy and happy.  


This is not a going to be a short journey.  This journey will last a lifetime. 

Shopping Healthy

A shopping we will go... A shopping we will go... Hi Ho the farmers must be getting the dough!  I am baffled at how an unadulterated veggie or fruit can cost so much more then the over processed, sugar laden, sodium filled crap in the can.  You mean to tell me that it costs that much more to grow, pick and sell the veggies FRESH then it does to grow, pick, process, add crap and can the veggies?   How is that possible?  

I went to the grocery store today to stock up on the fresh fruits and veggies for my journey and was appalled at the costs. When you walk down the canned food aisle and can buy any canned veggie or fruit for half the cost it is no wonder that we feed our children that crap.  We need to stand up and show the food industry that we want healthy food and not the processed garbage they tell us is SO good for us.   

As I read the labels of the food I buy I wonder how the american public got so baffled by the Food Industry that we believe that Enriched is a good thing.  That food that is processed over and over again is healthful.   I mean that all the food additives are better for us then the foods that are grown and eaten whole and fresh.  

I have been reading labels for a while now and I often wonder if all these chemicals in our food have contributed to the rise in Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease and other incendiary aliments.  

Since before Sofia was born I have been conscious of the chemicals in food.  I have carefully picked food for her that is healthful, organic and fresh as can be.  Now it is time for Me!  Soon the whole family will be eating fresh healthful organic foods and we all be healthy.